Being a Marriage and Family major, I have had to read Elder Oaks’s talk on divorce in many of my classes. However, when reading it this time, this quote stood out to both my husband and me.
“Don’t treasure up past wrongs, reprocessing them again and again. In a marriage relationship, festering is destructive; forgiving is divine (see D&C 64:9–10).”
I thought back to a Relief Society lesson I was in one Sunday. The teacher had shared with us that she’d had a friend whose husband had put her family in jeopardy. Of course everything was unraveling for her around the holiday season and she set upon writing her yearly holiday letter. She ended up unloading everything that had happened in that letter and, while she never sent it out, writing it became kind of cathartic. She told my friend that every once in a while she would reread that letter and remember what it was she had gone through and with it, all of the hurt and pain. She said that she didn’t have a lockbox, but if she did, she would put that letter in it.
Why do we hold on to pain and “past wrongs” to relive again and again? How do these become our treasures?
I don’t know, but I do know that this damages ourselves, let alone the marriage relationship that we are a part of. I also know that if we learn how to access the power of the atonement we can give these burdens to the Lord and begin to move forward and heal ourselves and our relationships.
Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.
Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.
For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.
(Matthew 11:28-30)
My husband and I have a funny “tradition” (for lack of a better word). When we watch or read about funny/odd/strange/extreme things, we always apply it to ourselves and say odd things like, “Don’t ever leave me in a house filled with zombies, K?” After reading about damaged relationships all week, I asked my husband, “What would you do if I cheated on you?”
He looked at me with a wry smile knowing what I’ve been reading about. I was impressed when he said that he’d forgive me and work through it with me. He stayed on the positive side; us making things work instead of dwelling on how much he would be hurt. I probed a little further commenting that he’d probably feel betrayed. While he acknowledged that he would be hurt, he said that none of us are perfect and that he would rather forgive and move forward. I was touched by how much he is completely invested in *us.* What a wonderful, forgiving, loving man I have married. It made me love him that much more.
He’s right. (He loves it when I say that.) Neither of us is perfect. We are simply doing the best we know how. Elder Oaks said, “A good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.” I hope to follow his wonderful example and treasure up the good memories of our amazing ride together, reprocessing those again and again.
For fun, check out this TV ad:
References:
Oaks, D. H. (2007, May). Divorce. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/05/divorce?lang=eng
