I was nineteen the day I married my husband. My parents had driven twelve hours and were staying with my grandparents. The day before I had driven from college down to my grandparents. The next morning my dad and I went to check on the cake, and went to get my hair done. Afterwards, we drove to the temple. My dad and I waited in the foyer for my guy to show up (he was twenty minutes late… he couldn’t find socks) with my dad giving me a hard time telling me that he wasn’t going to show up and leave me stranded at the proverbial altar. I knew he would show up, but my dad couldn’t help poking a little fun. After the sealing ceremony and pictures I changed back into my Sunday dress and we headed out to the parking lot. I followed my parents, prepared to climb into their back seat. “Oh no!” my dad said, “You’re with him now.” I had wanted to get in Robert’s car, but I almost felt like I needed to ask permission. Even though I had been on my own (away at college), there was still this expectation I had of answering to my parents when they were around. Yet somehow, I was now a wife first, and a daughter second. It almost didn’t feel real yet. I believe my dad was wise in his light-hearted way to draw a boundary around my new husband and myself.
“The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up” (Harper & Olsen, 2005, p. 328).
By the time the day was over, my dad, with a twinkle in his eye, told me, that I was now “Robert’s problem” and that I was not to come running home. My mother overheard him and chided him a little worried that I wouldn’t feel supported by them, but I knew what my dad was saying. He was telling me that I needed to be wholly committed to this wonderful man and that if we had problems, that we should tend to them together.
“One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple” (Harper & Olsen, 2005, p. 328).
At the time I didn’t fully comprehend the gift that my father was offering: a strong, well-defined, in-law free, marriage.
This is not to say that we didn’t develop bonds with them, quite the contrary. I remember visiting my parents for the Christmas season just weeks after we were married. Our first morning there I woke up early and wandered into my parents room and climbed onto their bed to talk. My siblings, one by one, also came and joined on the bed and in the discussion. Eventually my husband woke up and wondered where everyone was. When he found us all in my parents room on the bed, he was also invited to sit and join in the fun conversation. He was one of the family.
“A primary issue for new spouses is how parents and other family members include a new person in their family system. Do they act like they do when people outside the family visit? Or do they show the side that has heretofore been reserved just for family members?” (Harper & Olsen, 2005, p. 330).
We visited my parents, and they visited us (we were about three hours away). Sometimes we would meet in between at the temple and go through together, like a double date, just two couples having a good time. Sometimes they rescued us. Once on the way home from their house, our car broke down. We got it towed to a shop, but were stranded at one in the morning. I knew that we could call my “daddy,” and sure enough my parents drove two hours, picked us up, drove us the rest of the way home, slept on our floor and drove back home the next morning. I don’t think my husband ever felt threatened by my parents, they became his parents, he was loved and protected just as if he were one of their own.
