Week 7: Staying Emotionally Connected

This week a quote from my reading really stood out to me:

“Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us.  When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner.  The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partners (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress”  (Goddard, 2009, ch. 3).

Here’s where I’m going to be completely honest.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve listened to General Conference and thought, “Wow!  Robert really needs to hear this part,” or I’ve read about a principle in one of my classes and just knew that the principle it was expounding on was just what my dear husband could do better to improve our relationship.  

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?  (Matthew 7:3)

Fortunately, I’ve learned that subtly playing the General Conference talk when in earshot of my spouse isn’t nearly as effective as examining my own life and trying to correct my own flaws.  I dare say that when looking for flaws, we should all be a little more self-centered; it’s okay to “talk about me.”

The question really becomes, “If I trust God and what he has mapped out for my life (and I do), then shouldn’t I trust that he knows just what my companion needs and to deliver it at the proper time?”

“God has other designs.  He has hooked us up with partners and life experiences that are perfectly suited to grow us toward godhood” (Goddard, 2009, ch. 3).

Here’s a perfect example:  Quantity v. Quality

I’ve been needing my husband’s attention more.  Yes, we’ve been dating and giving our relationship its “due,” but I have felt like I’ve just needed more time (after all, President Uchtdorf even said “In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time.”).  I have felt like I have to compete against technology for his attention.  

Rather than “fix” my husband by “helping” him remove his mote, the spirit prompted me to evaluate and honestly see my own beam.  He needs me to put down technology too.  He needs me to put aside my schoolwork, or email, or facebook.  He needs to be higher on my priority list.  

I will trust Heavenly Father’s plan for my partner, but also for me.  

“To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it.”  (Scott, 1995)

Week 6: Cherishing Your Spouse

With the title of this week, “Cherishing Your Spouse,” I reflected on when I have felt cherished by my spouse.  I wanted to share some grand expression, but my memory kept returning to how loved I felt last Tuesday.  When Benjamin, 15, added his musical practice time to the calendar for October 11th, he said, “Woah!  That’s going to be a busy day!”  He was complicating my day already filled with a doctor’s appointment, an online class, a school open house for my first grader, tickets that needed to be purchased at the high school, and two daughters that both needed rides to and from work in opposite directions.

The night before my nutso day, I was explaining to my husband that the dentist’s office had called to remind me that we also had three kids scheduled for cleanings as well.  Fortunately, it just happened to be at a time where I could make it work, but that I would have limited time to get any of my schoolwork done; luckily, I was working ahead in my classes.  My sweet, sweet husband, even though I told him I had it handled, told me he would come home early that day, in time to do the bulk of the chauffeuring so I would have an opportunity to get my class assignments done.  This meant the world to me.  He was home by four, running kids around and feeding the rest of them dinner, prepping lunches and helping with homework.  It might seem like a small thing, coming home two hours early to play mom for me, but I felt cherished.  

“... I say unto you, that by small and simple things are great things brought to pass; and small means in many instances doth confound the wise.”  (Alma 37:6)

It’s really these little things that sweep me off my feet again and again.  These small, regular deposits into our marital piggy bank has caused it to flow over.  

Yet the full experience of marriage will demand regular payments across time.  What seemed so easy at first will later feel impossible.  We may feel cheated when we discover that this bargain requires so much of us.  Character and companionship do not come without consistent investment.  Yet, if we continue to make payments on our relationship, we will be amazed what we get for our “sacrifices.”  (Goddard, 2009, ch. 2)

I hope we will one day have the eternal love exemplified by this couple:

My favorite part is watching him feed her breakfast.  Clearly he is struggling with poor health, but she is his priority.  I am also reminded that I need to accept my spouse’s offering, even if it’s not perfect, or the way I would do it.  I can honestly say that I don’t care how he folds the towels.

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results [Kindle version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com

Week 5: Behaviors that Negatively Affect Marriage

Humorectomy: The surgical removal of a person’s sense of humor.  (urbandictionary.com)

When I was first dating my husband I was totally in love.  Of course this meant that I kept my blinders on and loved everything he said… including his really corny jokes.  You know, the ones with the bad puns.  After we’d been married a few years, had a few kids, I became all business, or, as my husband would describe it, I had a “humorectomy.”  

I remember feeling frustrated and angry every time he would share a shameless pun, or retell a joke I had heard countless times.  Why did he change from the funny guy I first met?  

Then it dawned on me… he hadn’t changed, I did.  

Here’s a short illustrative story:

“There once was an older retired couple driving down the road.  Coming from the other direction was a young couple.  The young lady was sitting very close to the young man with her head resting on his shoulder.  It was easy to see that these two were in love.  The older lady in the first car then said, ‘Don’t you wish we were still close like those two?’  The man replied, ‘I’m not the one who has moved’” (Leavitt & Christensen, 2003, p. 57).

It seemed a little presumptuous of me to demand that he have a humorectomy just because I did.  I decided that if I had found those old, corny jokes cute and endearing when we were courting, I could choose to see the humor once again.  

The dad joke is a pejorative term used to describe a corny, unfunny, or predictable joke, typically a pun. Generally inoffensive, dad jokes are traditionally told by fathers among family, either with sincere humorous intent, or to intentionally provoke a negative reaction to its "dagginess".  (Wikipedia)

Yes, twenty-two years later, my husband is still telling the same “dad” jokes.  I might groan and roll my eyes, but a smile also graces my lips because he is still the same fun, light-hearted man I married.

Me (seriously): Honey, how do we solve conflicts?

Him (with a sparkle in his eye): You get upset, I get upset.  I yell, then you yell.  Then I feel bad, then I apologize and it’s over.

"Rediscovering or reinvigorating friendship doesn't prevent couples from arguing, but it does give them a secret weapon that ensures quarrels don't get out of hand" (Gottman, 2015, p. 26).

References

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert [Kindle version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com
Leavitt, D. H. and Christensen, R. O. (2003).  Scripture study for latter-day saint families: The book of mormon. Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book.

Week 4: Doctrine of Eternal Marriage

“When troubles come, the parties to a contractual marriage seek happiness by walking away. They marry to obtain benefits and will stay only as long as they’re receiving what they bargained for. But when troubles come to a covenant marriage, the husband and wife work them through.”

(Hafen, 1996)

When my husband and I were newly engaged, my bishop gave me a set of questions that women had wished they’d had answers to before they married their husbands.  Because we were apart (he was in New Mexico and I was in Utah), we corresponded frequently via email (which was quite new in 1994).  We felt like it would be a good idea to discuss a few of the questions in our letters back and forth.  Occasionally I would print out some of the letters he sent me.  As a result, I still have some of his responses.  I thought I would compare our naive world with our current reality.

How should the couple pay bills?  

“I would think we would pay them together.  I can take are of the particulars. . . but every Sunday we could include this in our discussion.  (Once a month at least.)  We should pay bills first and then figure out what to do with what’s left - maybe go to a dollar movie or something.”

Now:  Hmmm… I would love to pay them together, but to be honest, it’s kind of divide and conquer.  He takes care of the dishes and keeping the kids out of the way, while I quickly try to reconcile everything.  We also don’t have to figure out what to do with the leftover, because there isn’t any.  Haha.  Usually we cap it all off by going grocery shopping together.  

What’s the role of the woman and the man in the home?  

“If I was a professional chef then I would do all the cooking.  Since I’m not, I would only expect to do half the cooking.”

“. . . If you work inside the home and I work outside - then I would not expect to do household chores when I return from work.  I would expect to help with the dinner dishes perhaps, but not the lunch dishes.  I’m willing to cook on some weekends. ”

Now:  While he might not do half of the cooking, he does enjoy being in the kitchen and has learned to make several things over the years.  I really do try to keep up with the dishes, but they frequently get away from me.  I can’t count the number of times he comes home to a sink full of dishes (and yes, lunch and possibly breakfast are included), rolls up his sleeves and loads the dishwasher.  

Location:

“I don’t really mind much where we end up.  The midwest is really quite. . . well. . . . boring.  So we’ll try not to move there.”

Now: We’ve lived in Wisconsin for 11 years.  That’s half of the time we’ve been married; I’ve never lived in one place for so long.  As much as I’d love to move closer to my parents, I can’t get him out of Wisconsin.

If our marriage had been a contract marriage, we could have walked away as soon as either side of the contract had been broken.  But because we want our union to be a covenant marriage, we are committed to each other and do all that we can to build our relationship into something that is eternal.  That’s why I received this promise, this covenant, in one of our last courting emails:

“Nothing that you do or say will ever make me question my commitment to you.  I am completely in love with you and want to spend the rest of the eternities together, side by side.  Master’s Degree or no Master’s Degree.  Lemonaid cuts and all.  Even if you fail all your finals for the rest of your life.  Even if you eat strawberries.  Even if you put ice down my back.  I just want to be with you… forever.”

My husband's resolve and commitment to our marriage echoes this definition of marriage (found in True to the Faith):

Determine that nothing will ever come between you and your spouse to disrupt your marriage. Resolve to make your marriage succeed, in spite of challenges that may arise.

References

Hafen, B. C. (1996, November). Covenant Marriage. Ensign.  Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1996/11/covenant-marriage?lang=eng

Week 3: Threats to Marriage

Satan said, “Behold, here am I, send me, I will be thy son, and I will redeem all mankind, that one soul shall not be lost, and surely I will do it” (Moses 4:1).

We are taught that Satan’s way would return all of us to heaven.  

And they who keep their first estate shall be added upon; and they who keep not their first estate shall not have glory in the same kingdom with those who keep their first estate;  (Abraham 3:26)

We are also taught that those who were obedient and followed the Savior came to Earth and received physical bodies.

For the longest time, I was amazed that I had chosen the Savior’s plan.  I knew I must have, because I was here on Earth with a body, but sometimes it feels so hard to remain faithful that surely Satan’s way must have been tempting.  A sure knowledge that I would be redeemed and “not be lost” really does sound appealing.

On the way to church one day I was describing my confusion and marveled that I had chosen to follow the Savior.  My husband was dumbfounded and looked at me with one of those faces that says, “Really?”

“What?” I asked defensively.  

“If anyone would have rejected Satan’s idea and followed the Savior, I’m sure you were one of the first in line!”  He quipped.

I was flabbergasted, yet honored.  Maybe he thought I was just “that righteous?”  No.  He explained that he hadn’t met anyone that valued personal liberty more.  The more I thought about it, the more I realized how right he was.  (There, I said it again.  I hope he reads my blog.)  When someone tells me that I have to do something, my back goes up and I don’t want to.  (I asked my kids for an adjective that might describe my response.  While some said rebellious and defiant, my daughter said, “teen-agy?”)

This battle still rages today.  I want to be able to choose what I believe and whom I will follow.  There are also those that want to make these decision for me and to force their ideals on everyone else.

When I read the Supreme Court’s ruling on same-sex marriage in Obergefell v. Hodges (2015) this week, many of those same stirrings came to the surface again.  While I do believe that “marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God and that the family is central to the Creator’s plan” (Proclamation on the Family), I feel that the Supreme Court’s decision has even more far-reaching effects that will do a disservice for us no matter which side of the debate we stand on.  I whole-heartedly agree with each of the dissenting judges on the matter.

• Chief Justice Roberts: “The fundamental right to marry does not include a right to make a State change its definition of marriage. And a State’s decision to maintain the meaning of marriage that has persisted in every culture throughout human history can hardly be called irrational. In short, our Constitution does not enact any one theory of marriage. The people of a State are free to expand marriage to include same-sex couples, or to retain the historic definition” (p. 41).
• Justice Scalia: “This practice of constitutional revision by an unelected committee of nine, always accompanied (as it is today) by extravagant praise of liberty, robs the People of the most important liberty they asserted in the Declaration of Independence and won in the Revolution of 1776: the freedom to govern themselves” (p. 70, emphasis added).
• Justice Thomas: “The Court’s decision today is at odds not only with the Constitution, but with the principles upon which our Nation was built. Since well before 1787, liberty has been understood as freedom from government action, not entitlement to government benefits. The Framers created our Constitution to preserve that understanding of liberty” (p. 78-79)
• Justice Alito: “Today’s decision usurps the constitutional right of the people to decide whether to keep or alter the traditional understanding of marriage” (p. 101).

I see the tides turning.  When the same-sex marriage debate was first gaining exposure, the majority of people supported traditional marriage.  I honestly don’t know if that’s true anymore.  Had the other side kept fighting, I feel that many states would have adopted same-sex marriage by now anyway (yes, that’s probably defeatist).  I think that’s why I’m more frustrated that the ultimate decision of the Supreme Court was to take this measure out of the people’s hands.  

Attacks on traditional marriage are so strong now.  While there are still more traditional marriages than same-sex marriages, I’m made to feel like a bad guy for believing in the sanctity of marriage.  Justice Alito said it well, “The decision [to mandate same-sex marriage] will also have other important consequences. It will be used to vilify Americans who are unwilling to assent to the new orthodoxy” (p. 101).

The dissenting opinions uphold the premise of personal, moral agency that we sought for in the preexistence.  Assaults on our agency will not end here; they will strengthen.  Satan desires to have us.  I guess this is why it’s important to have courage and stand strong, to stand as an example of all that is right and virtuous.  President Hinckley said, in speaking of the Relief Society, “If they will be united and speak with one voice, their strength will be incalculable. … It is so tremendously important that the women of the Church stand strong and immovable for that which is correct and proper under the plan of the Lord” (as quoted by Sister Julie B. Beck).  Sister Julie B. Beck said, “Latter-day Saint women must be strong and immovable in family. They can and should do families better than anyone else. We, as disciples of Christ, can and should be the very best in the world at upholding, nourishing, and protecting families.”  I want to stand as a witness for my Savior.

References

Beck, J. B. (2007, November). What latter-day saint women do best: Stand strong and immovable. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/2007/11/what-latter-day-saint-women-do-best-stand-strong-and-immovable?lang=eng

Obergefell c. Hodges. 576 U.S. (2015). Retrieved from https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/14pdf/14-556_3204.pdf