Week 13: Transitions in Marriage: In-Law Relations

I was nineteen the day I married my husband.  My parents had driven twelve hours and were staying with my grandparents.  The day before I had driven from college down to my grandparents.  The next morning my dad and I went to check on the cake, and went to get my hair done.  Afterwards, we drove to the temple.  My dad and I waited in the foyer for my guy to show up (he was twenty minutes late… he couldn’t find socks) with my dad giving me a hard time telling me that he wasn’t going to show up and leave me stranded at the proverbial altar.  I knew he would show up, but my dad couldn’t help poking a little fun.  After the sealing ceremony and pictures I changed back into my Sunday dress and we headed out to the parking lot.  I followed my parents, prepared to climb into their back seat.  “Oh no!” my dad said, “You’re with him now.”  I had wanted to get in Robert’s car, but I almost felt like I needed to ask permission.  Even though I had been on my own (away at college), there was still this expectation I had of answering to my parents when they were around.  Yet somehow, I was now a wife first, and a daughter second.  It almost didn’t feel real yet.  I believe my dad was wise in his light-hearted way to draw a boundary around my new husband and myself.

“The first task of a newly married couple is to separate from the families in which they grew up”  (Harper & Olsen, 2005, p. 328).

By the time the day was over, my dad, with a twinkle in his eye, told me, that I was now “Robert’s problem” and that I was not to come running home.  My mother overheard him and chided him a little worried that I wouldn’t feel supported by them, but I knew what my dad was saying.  He was telling me that I needed to be wholly committed to this wonderful man and that if we had problems, that we should tend to them together.

“One of the great gifts parents-in-law can give to their married children is to recognize early that they must help define and protect the boundary of this new couple” (Harper & Olsen, 2005, p. 328).

At the time I didn’t fully comprehend the gift that my father was offering: a strong, well-defined, in-law free, marriage.

This is not to say that we didn’t develop bonds with them, quite the contrary.  I remember visiting my parents for the Christmas season just weeks after we were married.  Our first morning there I woke up early and wandered into my parents room and climbed onto their bed to talk.  My siblings, one by one, also came and joined on the bed and in the discussion.  Eventually my husband woke up and wondered where everyone was.  When he found us all in my parents room on the bed, he was also invited to sit and join in the fun conversation.  He was one of the family.  

“A primary issue for new spouses is how parents and other family members include a new person in their family system.  Do they act like they do when people outside the family visit? Or do they show the side that has heretofore been reserved just for family members?” (Harper & Olsen, 2005, p. 330).  

We visited my parents, and they visited us (we were about three hours away).  Sometimes we would meet in between at the temple and go through together, like a double date, just two couples having a good time.  Sometimes they rescued us.  Once on the way home from their house, our car broke down.  We got it towed to a shop, but were stranded at one in the morning.  I knew that we could call my “daddy,” and sure enough my parents drove two hours, picked us up, drove us the rest of the way home, slept on our floor and drove back home the next morning.  I don’t think my husband ever felt threatened by my parents, they became his parents, he was loved and protected just as if he were one of their own.

Harper, J. M. & Olsen, S. F. (2005). "Creating Healthy Ties With In-Laws and Extended Families." In C. H. Hart, L.D. Newell, E. Walton, & D.C. Dollahite (Eds.), Helping and healing our families: Principles and practices inspired by "The Family: A Proclamation to the World" (pp. 327-334). Salt Lake City, UT: Deseret Book Company.

Week 12: Transitions: Power Relations and Children

My husband and I got married in November, the week before Thanksgiving.  We weren’t planning on having children right away, but by Christmas we were expecting our first child.  We went to my parents’ house for Christmas and got to share the news with my siblings Christmas morning; our baby would be the first grandbaby.

Later we got to visit my Grandma Bainbridge who was in the hospital.  She wasn’t doing well, but we wanted to share the happy news with her.  It cheered her spirits up and then she told us that she thought it was good that we didn’t put off having children, that we were having them right away.  I had known that that was the counsel of church leaders:

“This blessing [bearing children] should not be postponed for selfish reasons” (Birth Control, n.d.).

But my Grandma Bainbridge was not a member of my faith.  So instead of quoting prophets and apostles she simply said, “You will never know what it’s like to not have children.”  She added that often times couples get used to freedoms without children that when children finally do arrive in the picture they are more of a burden and a sacrifice.  By not delaying the genesis of our family, we would ultimately be more satisfied.

Our First Anniversary
November 1995

Nine months and one week after my husband and I were married we were blessed with our first son, Joseph.  My grandmother was right.  We got to know each other at the same time we were getting to know our roles as mother and father.  Every year or two after that, another precious bundle would arrive; we have never really known married life without children.  These last twenty-two years have been spent pregnant or nursing (twenty-one of those changing diapers) and my husband is not sure he will recognize me when the children are all grown up.

I recognize that “the decision of how many children to have and when to have them is a private matter for the husband and wife” (Birth Control, n.d.), it is also an individual matter, but as for us, it was a perfect beginning.

References

Birth Control. (n.d.). In Gospel Topics online. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/topics/birth-control?lang=eng

Joseph and Rebekah
December 1997

Joseph, Rebekah, & Rachel
December 1998

Joseph, Rebekah, Rachel & Mary
March 2000

Joseph, Rebekah, Rachel,
Mary, & Benjamin
December 2001

Joseph, Rebekah, Rachel,
Mary, Benjamin, & Samuel
January 2004

Joseph, Rebekah, Rachel, Mary,
Benjamin, Samuel, & Ruth
Fall 2006

Joseph, Rebekah, Rachel, Mary,
Benjamin, Samuel, Ruth, & Moroni
November 2007

Joseph, Rebekah, Rachel, Mary,
Benjamin, Samuel, Ruth,
Moroni, & Adam
November 2009

Joseph, Rebekah, Rachel, Mary,
Benjamin, Samuel, Ruth,
Moroni, Adam, & Hyrum
Fall 2011

Joseph, Rebekah, Rachel, Mary,
Benjamin, Samuel, Ruth, Moroni,
Adam, Hyrum, & Joshua
Spring 2013

And this year we get to add
Eve!
Coming to Pictures December 2016

Week 11: Fidelity and Physical Intimacy

Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.

(The Family: A Proclamation to the World)

Our lawn always used to look like the one on the left, that is, if you add prickly weeds and dandelions.  Our neighbor always had a perfectly manicured green lawn.  We always felt like such bad neighbors, but the time and attention that the neighbor paid to his lawn kept it gorgeous and free of weeds even though it was next to our lawn.  

Fortunately we live in Wisconsin, so we don’t have to worry about watering, but we haven’t been diligent at all about fertilizer and weed control.  This year, in exasperation, my husband decided to pay for basic services from a lawn care company (I was always too cheap noting that we could do it ourselves, even though we didn’t).  I just went out to take a picture, and wouldn’t you know it?  The brown/green line that used to divide our lawns is gone (and so are the prickly weeds)!  I guess the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.  In fact, in my reading this week, Goddard (2009) quoted a colleague,

“The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water” (chapter 5).

How do we, as spouses, keep our marriage relationships green and thriving?

1st: Water

Oftentimes Christ is referred to as living water.  As we invite Christ into our marriage, making him a third member, it sanctifies our marriage.  President Hunter (1979) said,

“whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives.”

2nd: Fertilizer

Our lawn received plenty of water, but it didn’t get the nutrients it needed.  We feed our marriage when we spend what Gottman (2015) calls, “The Magic Six Hours” (p. 277-279).  

• Partings (2 min x 5 workdays) - Before parting, learn one thing that is happening in your spouse’s day.
• Reunions (20 min x 5 workdays) - A six second hug or kiss.  Also, a 20 minute stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day
• Gratitude and Appreciation (5 min x 7 days) - genuinely say, “I love you.”
• Affection (5 min x 7 days) - Show physical affection.
• Weekly Date (2 hours) - Spend some time, just the two of you updating your “love map.”
• State of the Union Meeting (1 hour) - Start with appreciations (what went right), gently bring up needs, end with “What can I do to make you feel loved this week?”

3rd: Weed

We want to keep the pesty weeds out of our marriage.  Minor annoyances and irritations creep up from time to time, that’s natural, but we shouldn’t dwell on them.  I had a bishop once tell us that bad thoughts are like birds landing on our heads.  If a bird lands on our head, we shoo it off before it leaves an unwanted present for us.  While we might need to address more serious issues (during our “State of the Union Meeting”), most irritations are simply like grapefruits in this story:  The Grapefruit Syndrome.

My husband and I have a really good marriage; it’s been a wonderful 22 years that I wouldn’t trade for anything.  But I have found this semester that as I diligently water, fertilize, and weed my marriage relationship, it has grown and flourished even more into a rich, green, living marriage.

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results [Kindle version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com

Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert [Kindle version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com

Hunter, H. W. (1979, November). Reading the scriptures. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1979/11/reading-the-scriptures?lang=eng

The family: A proclamation to the world. (1995, November).   Ensign, 25, p. 102.

Week 10: Seeking to Understand

Driving the back country roads out here in Wisconsin is fun, but you really have to know your alphabet.  To get to the church I can take F to ID to S to J to S again before turning onto Pioneer, OR I can take F to the 18/151 to PD to P to S to J to S.  One day, after running errands around Dodgeville, it was time to head home, but my husband had missed one of the many lettered turns.  He was sure he was on the right route home, but in fact, he was on a parallel road that was twisting out into the countryside.  Eventually, however, it would dump us back onto the right road home.  

A few days later, returning to Dodgeville with my sixteen year old daughter, I saw the point where my husband and I had been dumped back onto the correct path.  I couldn’t help but think about how frustrated I was with my husband for not listening to me; it’s not like we were in a hurry to be somewhere.  I was just frustrated that we meandered onto our destination road instead of taking the direct route.  I turned to my daughter and said, “I guess I’m just not a patient person.”  She looked at me quizzically, so I expounded the journey I had been on with her father just a few days earlier, noting that it wasn’t important which road we took, but that I was impatient and irritated because we hadn’t taken what I deemed as the “right” road.

She said, “Well, we can’t all be perfect like you, Mom.”  Now while she said it in jest with a smile on her face, there seemed to be a sardonic hint to her statement.  I decided to probe a little further and asked what she meant by that.  She had commented that I did so many things well that it was hard to live up to my standards.  Ouch!

Last thing I want is for my children to feel like my love is conditional upon some unreasonable standard, and I don’t want my husband to feel like this either.  

President Monson (2008) said, “Of course, there is no going back, but only forward.  Rather than dwelling on the past, we should make the most of today, of the here and now, doing all we can to provide pleasant memories for the future.”  I might not be able to take back any ill feelings I’ve generated, but I can move forward and create an environment where my husband and children know that I will love them unconditionally.  

In my text this week Goddard (2009) said, “. . . negative reactions are a choice -- a choice to see in a human, judgmental way.  But we can also choose to see in a heavenly and loving way. . . Charity can be the lens through which we see each other” (location 2348, ch. 7).  I believe that this is true.  It might be hard to choose a reaction, but I can do this through cultivating an attitude that refrains from judging, and instead chooses to dwell on the love that I feel for them.  

In the same General Conference talk President Monson (2009) warned us that, “Stresses in our lives come regardless of our circumstances.  We must deal with them the best we can.  But we should not let them get in the way of what is most important -- and what is most important almost always involves the people around us.  Often we assume that they must know how much we love them.  But we should never assume; we should let them know.”

I do want my husband (and children) to know how much I love them, that he is what matters most.  I want him to know that he is what is important, not which lettered road we take home.

“Never let a problem to be solved become more important than a person to be loved” (Monson, 2008).

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results [Kindle version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com

Monson, T. S. (2008, November). Finding joy in the journey. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/finding-joy-in-the-journey?lang=eng

Week 9: Consecrating Ourselves

Shortly before I was married, my wise grandmother gave me the best marital advice ever.  She said, “Serve him.  We love whom we serve, so if you serve him, you will always love him.”  I’ve thought about this counsel and have passed it on quite frequently.  Truly as we serve our spouses with all our hearts, we will be drawn to them and we will love them more.  

H. Wallace Goddard (2009) noted that we are “invited to dedicate our lives, our talents, our weekends, and our weaknesses to the sacred enterprise of sanctifying our marriages and ultimately perfecting our souls.”  Don’t our companions deserve our very best efforts?  In support of this Elder Hafen (1996) said, “Contract companions each give 50 percent; covenant companions each give 100 percent.”  

Stephanie Smith (2011), writer/editor/blogger, accentuated this idea in an article she wrote for startmarriageright.com.  Here are her bullet points:

• In a 50/50 marriage, the couple develops the habit of keeping score, but in a 100/100 marriage they stop counting altogether, knowing it will never add up perfectly.
• In a 50/50 marriage, the individuals are focused on protecting their portion, but in a 100/100 marriage they are focused on blessing the other individual.
• In a 50/50 marriage, the husband and wife are instilled with the attitude that their spouse owes them their half of the bargain, but in a 100/100 marriage the couple learns to focus on giving love rather than receiving love.
• In a 50/50 marriage, love is restricted by conditions, but in a 100/100 marriage love is unconditionally given.
• In a 50/50 marriage, love is viewed as currency, an equal exchange between two parties, but in a 100/100 marriage love is a gift.

So how do I contribute my 100?  How do I serve?

As a wife and mom my life is filled with prosaic work.  I get kids off to school, clean up after the morning hurricane, tackle mount laundry, craft dinner for the masses, and tuck gremlins into bed (after countless drinks of water, which are supposedly bad for gremlins).  It wasn’t until I understood that this “everyday” work was “sacred” work, that my attitude towards it changed.  Christ asked us to feed the hungry, clothe the naked, and tend to the sick and afflicted.  My job as wife and mother is exactly what Christ asks of us.  It is this sacred way that I serve my family.

“There are always those who will call our offerings to the Lord silly, pointless, and unnecessary!”  (Goddard, 2009, ch. 5).

To say that I have felt stretched and that I have grown would be a gross understatement.  But just as the wise servant who worked hard to double his talents from five to ten, I have seen the hand of the Lord in my life and have been strengthened in the task that is before me.  

“We ask God to increase our capacity so we can give yet more” (Goddard, 2009 , ch. 5).  I believe that we should give this same commitment to our husbands.  When we were first married, I would make sure my husband had ironed shirts and a lunch made.  Unfortunately, as children have come along (with the attendant work that comes with them), my husband is lucky to have a shirt that gets hung up out of the dryer.  As I have tried to renew and deepen my love for my husband, my Grandmother’s counsel  has echoed through my memory.  I’ve redoubled my effort to serve my husband as well as my children, after all, there isn’t any reason I can’t pack him a PB&J while I’m packing theirs.

References

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results [Kindle version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com

Hafen, B. C. (1996, November). Covenant marriage. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/general-conference/1996/10/covenant-marriage?lang=eng&_r=1

Week 8: Beware of Pride

Joshua, two years old, excitedly raises his little hand.  Daddy just asked who wanted to say the prayer, so he asks Joshua.  Joshua bows his head and folds his arms and starts to pray, but halfway through the prayer, Joshua freezes.  Daddy decides to prompt Joshua and says, “Please bless the food…”

“No, no, no.  I got this,” answers Joshua.

So we wait.  Silence.  Then Joshua says, “What comes next?”

The whole table snickers as Daddy and Joshua finish the prayer.

I wonder if, in the eternal perspective, I’m like a two year old.  

For years I have tried to be more patient.  Even while living in my parents’ home, I would pray for this master virtue.  When my oldest was two or three, I became even more aware of my impatience.  Worried that I would become an abusive mother I sought counsel from my bishop who asked me if I had ever prayed for patience.  I confirmed that I prayed for it ALL THE TIME!  He quipped, “Well how do you think you’re going to get it?”  I quit praying for patience.

My prayers quickly changed to, “Heavenly Father, humility is a good trait.  Could you please help me to be humble?  But don’t humble me because I don’t need more trials.”  After a couple of years of limited growth, I realized that I needed to trust my Heavenly Father’s hand in my life, that praying isn’t about asking God to magically bestow some heavenly trait on me, that it’s about aligning my will with God’s.  In fact, the “Prayer” entry in the Bible Dictionary says,

“Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other.”

As my prayers changed again, for the better, I once again experienced progress and growth.  

Where does that leave me with patience?  Still working on it.  I’m miles better than I used to be, but still miles from where I need to be.  

*** I get frustrated because I want to be patient NOW! ***

No, the irony is not lost on me.  However, I think I’m beginning to understand an important step on the journey to becoming the patient person that I want to be.

Sunday morning, my sensitive, twelve-year-old Sam, couldn’t find his suit.  I was frustrated and what did I do?  I yelled at him.  “I already have quite the task on Sunday morning getting the youngest five dressed.  I shouldn’t have to help my twelve year old figure it out!”  Needless to say I was frustrated with myself for “falling off the wagon” yet again.  I sent my husband off with the rest of the children and Sam and I followed once he was ready.  

Fortunately we have a thirty minute drive to church that leaves time for pondering and repenting.  I sincerely apologized to Sam for being mean and reflected on how I should have handled the situation.  Sam and I talked about the “natural man” and how I’m trying to overcome it.  We talked about what the “natural man” might represent (yelling, frustrations, eating, sleep, laziness).  Then I had him read Mosiah 3:19 to me:

For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.

That’s when revelation struck.  I keep trying to do this myself.  I keep trying to find ways to be more patient, or more humble, or more charitable.  It’s as if I’m saying, “No, no, no.  I got this.”  Instead, I should be turning to the Lord more.  I just need to figure out how to let the atonement change me; I know it can.  

“In order to be saved, we must stop trying to save ourselves by our own power.  We must turn ourselves over to Christ completely” (Goddard, 2009, ch. 4).

I need to let go of myself, let go of my arrogance and pride that says, “Let me do this,” and let the master finisher turn me into something grand, for his vision is so much  bigger and better than mine.

“Very often our self-sufficiency gets in God’s way” (Goddard, 2009, ch. 4).

Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results [Kindle version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com

Week 7: Staying Emotionally Connected

This week a quote from my reading really stood out to me:

“Faith in the Lord Jesus Christ requires that we trust that God is working to rescue our spouses even as He is working to rescue us.  When we have energizing faith in Christ, we trust His progress with our partner.  The more we trust God’s purposes in perfecting our partners (and don’t try to take over the job ourselves), the more we all progress”  (Goddard, 2009, ch. 3).

Here’s where I’m going to be completely honest.  I can’t tell you the number of times I’ve listened to General Conference and thought, “Wow!  Robert really needs to hear this part,” or I’ve read about a principle in one of my classes and just knew that the principle it was expounding on was just what my dear husband could do better to improve our relationship.  

And why beholdest thou the mote that is in thy brother’s eye, but considerest not the beam that is in thine own eye?  (Matthew 7:3)

Fortunately, I’ve learned that subtly playing the General Conference talk when in earshot of my spouse isn’t nearly as effective as examining my own life and trying to correct my own flaws.  I dare say that when looking for flaws, we should all be a little more self-centered; it’s okay to “talk about me.”

The question really becomes, “If I trust God and what he has mapped out for my life (and I do), then shouldn’t I trust that he knows just what my companion needs and to deliver it at the proper time?”

“God has other designs.  He has hooked us up with partners and life experiences that are perfectly suited to grow us toward godhood” (Goddard, 2009, ch. 3).

Here’s a perfect example:  Quantity v. Quality

I’ve been needing my husband’s attention more.  Yes, we’ve been dating and giving our relationship its “due,” but I have felt like I’ve just needed more time (after all, President Uchtdorf even said “In family relationships love is really spelled t-i-m-e, time.”).  I have felt like I have to compete against technology for his attention.  

Rather than “fix” my husband by “helping” him remove his mote, the spirit prompted me to evaluate and honestly see my own beam.  He needs me to put down technology too.  He needs me to put aside my schoolwork, or email, or facebook.  He needs to be higher on my priority list.  

I will trust Heavenly Father’s plan for my partner, but also for me.  

“To exercise faith is to trust that the Lord knows what He is doing with you and that He can accomplish it for your eternal good even though you cannot understand how He can possibly do it.”  (Scott, 1995)