Joshua, two years old, excitedly raises his little hand. Daddy just asked who wanted to say the prayer, so he asks Joshua. Joshua bows his head and folds his arms and starts to pray, but halfway through the prayer, Joshua freezes. Daddy decides to prompt Joshua and says, “Please bless the food…”
“No, no, no. I got this,” answers Joshua.
So we wait. Silence. Then Joshua says, “What comes next?”
The whole table snickers as Daddy and Joshua finish the prayer.
I wonder if, in the eternal perspective, I’m like a two year old.
For years I have tried to be more patient. Even while living in my parents’ home, I would pray for this master virtue. When my oldest was two or three, I became even more aware of my impatience. Worried that I would become an abusive mother I sought counsel from my bishop who asked me if I had ever prayed for patience. I confirmed that I prayed for it ALL THE TIME! He quipped, “Well how do you think you’re going to get it?” I quit praying for patience.
My prayers quickly changed to, “Heavenly Father, humility is a good trait. Could you please help me to be humble? But don’t humble me because I don’t need more trials.” After a couple of years of limited growth, I realized that I needed to trust my Heavenly Father’s hand in my life, that praying isn’t about asking God to magically bestow some heavenly trait on me, that it’s about aligning my will with God’s. In fact, the “Prayer” entry in the Bible Dictionary says,
“Prayer is the act by which the will of the Father and the will of the child are brought into correspondence with each other.”
As my prayers changed again, for the better, I once again experienced progress and growth.
Where does that leave me with patience? Still working on it. I’m miles better than I used to be, but still miles from where I need to be.
*** I get frustrated because I want to be patient NOW! ***
No, the irony is not lost on me. However, I think I’m beginning to understand an important step on the journey to becoming the patient person that I want to be.
Sunday morning, my sensitive, twelve-year-old Sam, couldn’t find his suit. I was frustrated and what did I do? I yelled at him. “I already have quite the task on Sunday morning getting the youngest five dressed. I shouldn’t have to help my twelve year old figure it out!” Needless to say I was frustrated with myself for “falling off the wagon” yet again. I sent my husband off with the rest of the children and Sam and I followed once he was ready.
Fortunately we have a thirty minute drive to church that leaves time for pondering and repenting. I sincerely apologized to Sam for being mean and reflected on how I should have handled the situation. Sam and I talked about the “natural man” and how I’m trying to overcome it. We talked about what the “natural man” might represent (yelling, frustrations, eating, sleep, laziness). Then I had him read Mosiah 3:19 to me:
For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.
That’s when revelation struck. I keep trying to do this myself. I keep trying to find ways to be more patient, or more humble, or more charitable. It’s as if I’m saying, “No, no, no. I got this.” Instead, I should be turning to the Lord more. I just need to figure out how to let the atonement change me; I know it can.
“In order to be saved, we must stop trying to save ourselves by our own power. We must turn ourselves over to Christ completely” (Goddard, 2009, ch. 4).
I need to let go of myself, let go of my arrogance and pride that says, “Let me do this,” and let the master finisher turn me into something grand, for his vision is so much bigger and better than mine.
“Very often our self-sufficiency gets in God’s way” (Goddard, 2009, ch. 4).
Yes! I feel like my prayers are like that, too. I want to be humble but I don't want the things that will bring humility because everything already seems like too much! But you are absolutely right that that kind of praying and thinking leads to limited growth. Thanks for the reminder. :)
ReplyDeleteI think the challenge from our stake RS presidency to pray to know and then do is just what I need right now.
ReplyDeleteI agree. My prayer for the challenge today sounded a bit more like the humility one. Going to need to work on that willingness to accept growing experiences and pains.
ReplyDelete