Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity.
(The Family: A Proclamation to the World)
Our lawn always used to look like the one on the left, that is, if you add prickly weeds and dandelions. Our neighbor always had a perfectly manicured green lawn. We always felt like such bad neighbors, but the time and attention that the neighbor paid to his lawn kept it gorgeous and free of weeds even though it was next to our lawn.
Fortunately we live in Wisconsin, so we don’t have to worry about watering, but we haven’t been diligent at all about fertilizer and weed control. This year, in exasperation, my husband decided to pay for basic services from a lawn care company (I was always too cheap noting that we could do it ourselves, even though we didn’t). I just went out to take a picture, and wouldn’t you know it? The brown/green line that used to divide our lawns is gone (and so are the prickly weeds)! I guess the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. In fact, in my reading this week, Goddard (2009) quoted a colleague,
“The grass is greener on the side of the fence you water” (chapter 5).
How do we, as spouses, keep our marriage relationships green and thriving?
1st: Water
Oftentimes Christ is referred to as living water. As we invite Christ into our marriage, making him a third member, it sanctifies our marriage. President Hunter (1979) said,
“whatever Jesus lays his hands upon lives. If Jesus lays his hands upon a marriage, it lives.”
2nd: Fertilizer
Our lawn received plenty of water, but it didn’t get the nutrients it needed. We feed our marriage when we spend what Gottman (2015) calls, “The Magic Six Hours” (p. 277-279).
- Partings (2 min x 5 workdays) - Before parting, learn one thing that is happening in your spouse’s day.
- Reunions (20 min x 5 workdays) - A six second hug or kiss. Also, a 20 minute stress-reducing conversation at the end of the day
- Gratitude and Appreciation (5 min x 7 days) - genuinely say, “I love you.”
- Affection (5 min x 7 days) - Show physical affection.
- Weekly Date (2 hours) - Spend some time, just the two of you updating your “love map.”
- State of the Union Meeting (1 hour) - Start with appreciations (what went right), gently bring up needs, end with “What can I do to make you feel loved this week?”
3rd: Weed
We want to keep the pesty weeds out of our marriage. Minor annoyances and irritations creep up from time to time, that’s natural, but we shouldn’t dwell on them. I had a bishop once tell us that bad thoughts are like birds landing on our heads. If a bird lands on our head, we shoo it off before it leaves an unwanted present for us. While we might need to address more serious issues (during our “State of the Union Meeting”), most irritations are simply like grapefruits in this story: The Grapefruit Syndrome.
My husband and I have a really good marriage; it’s been a wonderful 22 years that I wouldn’t trade for anything. But I have found this semester that as I diligently water, fertilize, and weed my marriage relationship, it has grown and flourished even more into a rich, green, living marriage.
References
Goddard, H. W. (2009). Drawing heaven into your marriage: Powerful principles with eternal results [Kindle version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com
Gottman, J. M. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert [Kindle version]. Retrieved from Amazon.com
Hunter, H. W. (1979, November). Reading the scriptures. Ensign. Retrieved from https://www.lds.org/ensign/1979/11/reading-the-scriptures?lang=eng
The family: A proclamation to the world. (1995, November). Ensign, 25, p. 102.
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